Malcolm Imray's tongue in cheek look at the kind of people you would expect to see watching Thai football in June 2011.
Characters at Thai Football Games - Part One (The Foreigners)
For those of you that have been to watch a Thai football game, you will notice that there are an abundance of characters in attendance. I thought I'd take a closer look at some of the people who go to watch Thai football.
JACK THE LAD
Jack the Lad is a 20’s something who has been living in Thailand for 18 months or so. He is having the time of his life and still believes the girls in Soi Cowboy when they call him “handsome man.” Jack’s match day generally begins with a 3pm rise after a heavy night out partying. When he arrives at the stadium he’s feeling pretty rough but after a couple of beers he’s ready to go again. Any cheerleader or promotion girl who is unfortunate enough to catch his eye will be subjected to his smooth chat up lines. Once inside the stadium, Jack will head straight for the singing section. After joining in with a few of the regular Thai chants, Jack will want to initiate the singing. He usually fails to start a chant off, although it should be noted that he will be received with warm smiles and acknowledgement from the Thais in attendance.
THE EXPERT
The foreign expert is a growing presence now in Thai football. He is a few years older than Jack the Lad and has mellowed with his lengthy stay in Thailand. He was an avid follower of football back in his home country and has suffered years of pain and misery following his local team. His newly adopted Thai team has given him the opportunity to start afresh. However, the novelty has quickly worn off and he is becoming more and more frustrated with his new Thai side. On match day, he is easy to spot when the teams emerge onto the pitch, as he will be frantically trying to work which players are involved and what the formation will be. During the game he will be either be applauding enthusiastically or scratching his head with bemusement.
THE BACKPACKERS
The backpackers are recognizable by their Khaosan Road attire, day packs and large bottles of water. They will be sporting a broad smile and will want to exchange pleasantries in Thai with the locals. From the outside they appear happy but inside they are deeply worried as their trip to the football has overspent their weekly budget by 40 Baht.
I'M THE ONLY FOREIGNER IN THAILAND
This person is similar to Matt Lucas’ Little Britain character “I’m the only gay in the village.” He hates all of the aforementioned people mentioned above as he reckons they are stealing his thunder with the Thai public. He will only speak with Thais because he doesn’t want to be associated with the foreign riff-raff. Before the game, he is usually milling around the main entrance to the stadium hoping to catch the attention of players and club officials. In any consequent discussions regarding Thai football, he will constantly refer to any staff connected to his club by their first name as he wants everybody to know how important he is.
Characters at Thai Football Games - Part 2 (The Thai Family)
The Reluctant Father
The Uninterested Mother
The uninterested mother has absolutely no interest in football. She is only tagging along to make sure that her hubby isn’t nipping off to see his 16 year-old gig (bit on the side). Nevertheless, she is a great favourite with the food vendors outside the stadiums as she will purchase enough food to feed a Thai village. If you want to track her, you can easily follow her trail by the path of discarded monkey nut shells that she has left behind.
The Hyperactive Kid
The hyperactive kid will jump, leap, hop, skip, cry, fight, shout, run. Basically you can insert any action verb apart from ‘watch’ the bastard game. The youngster is an expert at staring out farangs and isn’t shy to point out the obvious that there is a Caucasian in the vicinity. Thankfully by the second half, the little cherub is tired and will be cradled fast asleep into disinterested mother’s arms.
Character at Thai Football Games - Part 3 (The Best of the Rest)
UnKool and the Gang
UnKool and the Gang can come in two forms of groups. The first is a group of teenage boys, and the second is a mixed group commonly in their 20’s. They usually turn up 15 minutes into the game and always seem to end up somewhere in my vicinity. The initial 5 minute discussion is to decipher which team they’re supposed to support. Once that’s been decided, they will talk loudly and try to impress all around them with their witty repartee. I’ve got no idea what they do after half-time as I’ve usually moved to the other side of the stadium by then.
The Cheerleaders
Most of us Westerners would normally associate cheerleaders as being young scantily clad female dancers waving pom-poms. Yes, they can be seen in Thailand too, but there are several other kinds of people ready to enliven the crowd. You might have a nerd chanting into a megaphone, the Thai equivalent of Freddie Mercury prancing in front of the crowd, a young drunken shirtless lad who thinks he's the hardest man in Thailand or even an overly enthusiastic club owner trying to motivate the crowd. No matter which one it is, they all have one thing in common. None of them watch the game!!
The Tattooed Nutter
To the outsider, the Tattooed nutter appears to be a scary man. His eyes are bloodshot and he looks like he’s been drinking Thai rice wine since 7am in the morning – which he most likely has. He’s getting on a bit in life and has mellowed after spending half of his adult life in jail. In spite of that, he will gladly welcome farangs following his team with warm handshakes.
The Screamer
The Screamer is a young lady aged between 20 and 40 years old. She probably has no idea what the offside rule is, but, nonetheless she’s very enthusiastic about watching her team. She will get overly excited during the game and will let out a loud screech anytime her team approaches the opposition box. The winning of a throw in for her side or a yellow card for an opposition player are also greeted with much fervor. She tends to base player’s ability on their looks, and as a consequence she thinks that Leesaw and Peter Lang are the best players in Thailand.
Chinese Looking Dude with the Glasses
Before the match begins, the Chinese looking dude with the glasses comes across as an intellectual man. He has a reasonable grasp of English and enjoys chatting with fellow farang football fans. Once the game starts though, he turns into a vociferous lunatic with the referee usually being the target of his angst.
The Middle Class Couple
The Middle class couple give the impression that they know everybody of importance in attendance. Before the game starts, they will spend most of the pre-match smiling and ‘wai-ing’ at fellow Thais. They are always well prepared with plenty of food, drinks, waterproofs and umbrellas. They never get angry during the game and when their team scores, they will let out a light ripple of applause to show their appreciation.
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