I would use a tried and true method to build my club. First, I would buy an established PLT club, with a little (but not too much) past success, a small fan base & a nomadic history (so they won’t be too missed). After considering and dismissing Police, Army & Air Force (histories too entrenched), TTM & TOT (wrong division), Osotspa (busy establishing own facilities), Port (too well-supported), I’ve settled on newly-promoted BBCU (League champs in 1998, but kicked out of Chula Uni in recent seasons) as the perfect club. Bangkok Utd (champs in 2006) would be my back-up plan, but ideally I’d want them to have a disappointing mid-table finish in 2016, to dispel the current optimism around the club.
Location
I would transplant my club to a small provincial capital who currently have a poorly supported Regional League side, owned and run by the local governor, who is conveniently a member of my family. After re-branding my club as Nakhon Nowhere-BBCU, I would then park (“loan/sell”) the bulk of my squad at the RL club, share coaching resources, allowing the smaller club to gain promotion at a canter. Ex-BBCU players who aren’t happy with dropping down a couple of divisions will have their contracts cancelled, but be contractually banned from joining another Thai club.
Chairman/Owner
Me, myself & I; it’s all about me, you see. My face will adorn club advertising, and 95% of interviews and comments in the paper will be given by me. I will portray myself as a lifelong football fan, and speak of how it’s been my dream for years to see top-flight football and facilities to Nakhon Nowhere. The fact I achieved none of this during my many years as NN’s governor and MP will be overlooked. There will be no suggestion that this is my way of remaining relevant in my fiefdom after receiving a ban from politics.
Head Coach
Coaches would be hired and fired in quick succession, until the right yes man was found. This would include big name Thais as well as foreigners. Success in the role is far less important than accepting my orders on team selection & substitutions, and allowing to me to give team talks on camera before each half of games.
The coach will also do sideline duty for the RL team, although, on paper, NNFC will be coached by someone else, as they stroll to promotion from the Regional League and Division 1 in successive seasons. Once promoted to the PLT, we will merge the 2 clubs, forming Nakhon Nowhere Utd, with BBCU’s history forgotten, and I will recoup some of the money spent by selling a place in the PLT to a friend who has grown impatient with his own team’s inability to gain promotion.
Thai players
We will spend big on stockpiling national team and fringe NT players, many of whom are happy to be bit-part players behind foreign imports but still collect a fat pay cheque. These players will also be prepared to suffer “injuries”, forget passports, and make public statements, to undermine club and national team coaches, as I see fit.
We will build an academy, coached by foreign coaches, who will lead the team to success in youth competitions, churn out a number of players who go on to play in the Regional League, but very few who make our first team squad.
Foreign players
We will forrn links with a club in whichever European country is currently creating the blueprint for the football style du jour, as long as it’s easy for Thais to get visas there (not that we’ll ever send any). We’ll sign more foreign players than the quota, then loan out (and eventually release/sell) those we don’t want. Our foreign signings will be as hit and miss as any other club, but those we get right will be very good, and we’ll be ruthless in offloading those who are up to scratch, with some being released within a month of signing.
Kit
Kit colours will be chosen to be “coincidentally” similar in colour to that of the local political party, run for a couple of generations by my family.
Merchandise sales will be boosted by our insistence that you dress ‘properly’ (i.e. in a replica shirt) when attending matches, & for ‘big’ games, tickets will only be sold to those wearing NN-BBCU replica kit.
Sponsors
I’d have the usual standard sponsors depending on my friendships & family connections. I’m sure there’ll be a large beer/communications/car/insurance company out there willing to stump up some cash. After a couple of successful seasons, I’ll be beating them away with a stick. The league broadcaster will be paid to play advertisements for my club (not our matches) during breaks in matches not even featuring NN-BBCU in an attempt to boost our appeal nationally. We will also sponsor lower league clubs, who will have NN-BBCU (and later NN Utd) emblazoned on their kits. A number of NN academy players will find themselves playing for these clubs.
Players will have their photos displayed on posters for my family’s political party, ignoring that the players concerned coming from other provinces, and that the party is a one-province party in terms of support.
Stadium
I would build a brand-new stadium. Ideally, it would resemble Pohang’s Steelyard, but as I’m restricted to Thai stadia, I’ll opt for a rectangular stadium with corporate boxes modelled on SCG Stadium. The funds for this will publicly come from my supposed deep pockets, but a significant portion is likely to be siphoned off from government money by my relative.
Opposition fans will be seated in a uncovered corner of the stadium. Those in this section will not be allowed to bring in any food or drink (not even water or baby bottles) nor umbrellas to protect themselves from the sun or rain. However, as we do not want appear to be spoilsports, musical instruments & pikes supporting banners will be permitted. Our car parking system will be designed to ensure maximum waiting time for away fan coaches attempting to exit before their long drive home.
Ticket prices
Attendance will be boosted with measures such as free meal vouchers included in the ticket price, free tickets to matches of both clubs to several thousand ‘hardcore’ members (who will lead the cheering for both clubs), and compulsory attendance at both clubs’ games made a condition of enrolment at the local university (where I am a board member). To enable this symbiotic fan base, I will use my influence with the PLT to ensure that Nakon Nowhere’s 2 clubs never play on the same day in the weekend, and that there is a home and away fixture each weekend. Where this cannot be arranged, I will negotiate with owners of other clubs to rearrange fixtures to suit me better, before gaining PLT approval. A local hotel (owned by myself or a close friend) will have ‘free’ match tickets built into the room price, allowing me to inflate my attendance figures, even if the visitors to fair Nakhon Nowhere don’t actually attend.
Plenty of supporters’ coaches to away matches will be available, with the fare including a match ticket & subsidised with public funding. On occasions when the number of fans on the coaches outnumbers the away ticket allocation, some fans will be provided with shirts of a similar colour to the opposition kit, & supplied with tickets to another section of the stadium.
Anything else you'd like to add
As Head of the Head Coach, I will sit on the bench & pace around the technical area, barking instructions at the team and making sure the match officials know who calls the shots in my province. Match officials will also be financially rewarded for turning a blind eye to foul play by my players. Those who fail to remember where they are, will be gently reminded at gunpoint at petrol stations as they drive home, or face a trial by social media (led by my RL-club owning relative), which may or may not end in a serious attack on their person.
Opposition clubs will be accommodated at my friend’s hotel, where they will find the air-conditioning intermittent (at best) on the night before a game, and that the hotel is very popular for locals celebrating birthdays with loud karaoke until all hours. Drones surveying neighbouring land for my next extravagance will inadvertently film opposition training sessions, and stadium tours for the public will also be planned to coincide with opposition training.
After success in the first couple of seasons after my acquisition, our threat to the established order will be noticed, and lead to some public posturing. After this, although the club continues to enjoy success and plenty of decisions go my way, I’ll make plenty of public noise when things don’t go our way. This will eventually see us viewed by many pundits as plucky underdogs, and the victims of backroom deals by an opposing power bloc. Our greatest success as a club will come when other new club owners try to replicate my blueprint, and find themselves mocked as egotistical and clueless by the same fans/pundits who now view Nakhon Nowhere United as the ideal of a professional Thai club.
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