Your Tinglish Premier League Guide
by Matt Riley
QPR meet...Police United: Lots of money, but not much sense.
Whilst QPR have just signed has-been Rio Ferdinand, Police United thought they had signed never-was Anton. "Rio's Brother," which appears all he would offer Police United, signed then disappeared, much to the relief of the Police United fan club currently meeting in a local phone box. Whilst QPR managed to burn through a jaw dropping £6.8 million in agents' fees during their previous short spell in the EPL, Police United have bought Reading FC, signed an ageing midfielder from Thailand's SCG Muang Thong United on a frankly insane three year contract and bought a poster boy in former Everton academy player Leesaw Winnothai. Investments to mull over the next time you're reaching for your wallet after being extorted for cash at Thai traffic lights by our Boys in Brown.
Tottenham Hotspur meet ...Samut Songkhram: Poor decision making off the field leading to failure on it.
For Tottenham it was the, "is he brave or bonkers?" leadership of Tim Sherwood and for Samut Songkhram it was their decision to redevelop their shabby home stadium then take all year to do it. The "Raging Mackerels" have spent the season as unhappy fish out of water. Tottenham's new stadium plans work to a much bigger scale and will, in contrast to Samut, be completed. But it seems that all White Hart Lane eyes have been on the 58,000 capacity arena's opening in 2017 and none on the increasingly insipid performance on the pitch. They lost out to bitter North London rivals Arsenal by a heartbreaking point after losing at home to an equally uninspired West Ham on the penultimate day of the season. With Samut's inevitable relegation, the only other certainty is that their stadium will look exactly the same next season, but be even more sparsely populated.
Manchester United meet...Buriram United: Huge fan base and power, but just can't sustain success on a bigger stage.
Manchester United's flirtation with forcing a smaller club manager flopped from the famous hijacked walk down Bondi Beach when Moyes forgot he wasn't still at Everton and the players were forced to take refuge in a nearby nightclub: an age old footballer's excuse that was depressingly true and a motif for the rest of his short reign. Buriram United applied a Thai twist to hiring and firing: a coach rotation policy was employed where men were being fired for rare losses and three nil wins achieved without the "Buriram Style." Both clubs have the resources to get away with pretty much anything after a disappointing season in continental competitions, but The Reds' new man will be sitting far more comfortably than Buriram's. Neither club know how to deal with "failure," but for them it means Buriram not clean sweeping all trophies this season and for Man U it is finishing seventh. In the last five years, Buriram finished ninth once and fourth in 2012, but came first three times and were runners up once. Before last season, Manchester United spent the previous half decade winning the league three times and being runners up twice. If only Aston Villa could fail so badly...
Leicester City meet...PTT Rayong: Arriving in the top flight up to their eyeballs in sponsors' cash, but without the depth of squad to cut it with the big boys.
With petroleum millions behind them, Rayong reached the top flight full of confidence, but poor signings and an old-style Thai hierarchy tied the hands of English coach Peter Withe and all but guarantees a swift return back down. Leicester City dominated The Championship with billions of Thai Baht, but those figures are Venky chicken feed in the EPL. If highly respected Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers can't persuade Alexis Sanchez to choose Merseyside over London, the chances of a solid and unspectacular coach in Nigel Pearson bringing in big names to the unglamorous East Midlands seems slim.
Liverpool meet...Bangkok Glass: Flattering to deceive, winning the big games but slipping up when it really mattered.
Although Liverpool showed much more fight and bite than The Glass Bunnies, they ultimately slipped up when it really mattered. Losing to Hull City and Southampton hurt, but the losses against Arsenal, Manchester City and Chelsea did the damage against their top tier rivals. Bangkok Glass can beat Buriram away one week then be put to sleep by them the next, thrash Buriram at home then lose at The Leo Stadium to Army United. The Leo's artificial pitch has been the perfect surface for many a slip up this season and, like Liverpool, Bangkok Glass need much less jaw jaw and much more score score.
Aston Villa meet...Chainat Hornbill: Fifteenth is the new fourth.
While one of the best teams in Aston have a better looking kit than the Hornbills' 1991 Arsenal meets Tron, survival remains the highest of their ambitions. Both clubs recently signed coaches with pedigree and ambition that promised to take their teams to a new level. Both men were spot on but, unfortunately, the level they reached was far lower than the one they started at. Chainat's Surachai has gone and Villa's Paul Lambert now has Raging Roy Keene keeping him on a short leash. Villa are up for sale but no one wants to buy: their lawyers' office must be as lonely as the Chainat replica kit shop.
Hull City meet...TOT: You want to like them because they're small, but you just can't do it.
Until the arrival of unpleasant and gobby new owner Assem Allam, Hull City (not, "The Tigers" mister Allam) were a club that reflected their coach Steve Bruce. The former boss of Thailand's current Head Coach Kiatisuk "Zico" {shudder} Senamuang during his non - playing stint at Huddersfield Town, Bruce's face tells a story of nose crunching bravery and old fashioned boozy evenings. His waistline gives two fingers to Arsene Wenger's mantra of masochistic discipline and his footballing philosophy is comfortingly old- fashioned. For Mister Allam, see TOT's mustachio'd Mexican bandit impersonator Somchai Subpherm. The hard-to-like TOT coach has turned scowling into an art form. Part of you can't help yearn for them to get relegated and you try to sound enthusiastic when they ensure survival for the sake of the romantic underdog, but all you can raise is two cheers.
Arsenal meet...BEC Tero: It will definitely happen... next year. All the hype and little of the success.
Both clubs not only used to share the same kits (thanks to another of those Thai fantasy football partnerships) but tend to experience the same kind of seasons. Starting brim full of confidence, they begin at a gallop. This being Thailand, the gallop becomes a trot when the obligatory coach sacking season opens and Arsenal usually splay a shoe the moment the talk of titles starts. The final third of the season is a transition from the current frustrations to the great young players coming through the ranks for next season who, "will make next year our breakthrough season." Like the bar sign, "Free Beer Tomorrow," however much Tero's Football Director Robert Procureur berates officials, they will always be paying for the next round.
Chelsea meet...Suphanburi: Huge resources for a club previously low on support and fans, but now with five star everything.
Both clubs can look back at a recent past with shabby and unfilled stadiums supporting clubs that couldn't compete with the Big Boys. For Suphanburi it was until three years ago with a takeover by current President Varaut Silpa- archa and for The Blues it was in 2003 with the putsch by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich. Last season, coach Mourinho talked Chelsea down to third, whilst Suphanburi came fourth in Thailand. Much more was expected of The War Elephant this year, but they have failed to deliver. For Chelsea, the lack of a striker has been remedied with the signing of Athletico Madrid's Diego Costa, whilst Suphanburi have signed classy former Fluminese defender Marcio Rozario and former Adelaide United striker Sergio van Dijk. Big money has been spent attempting to arrest a drop in form that threatens to reflect Chelsea circa 1982, when they suffered the double indignity of being bought for £1 and for that pound to belong to Ken Bates.
Crystal Palace meet...Osotspa: All about the coach.
EPL Coach of the Year Tony Pulis, like Osotspa new man "Teco" Cugurra, is all about hard work on the training field and cutting out the show ponies. Neither clubs can afford to carry highly paid fair-weather players. Whilst Osotspa have the highly-talented but under-ambitious Chayanan Pombuppha, the rest of the squad is made up of journeymen, experienced players coming to the end of their careers and youngsters coming through. Just like Osotspa, Crystal Palace have fashioned an unspectacular and efficient squad to frighten anyone coming to Selhurst Park. Almost-made-it players like former Aston Villa midfielder Barry Bannan and Arsenal's previously goal shy Marouane Chamakh now enjoy a new lease of life thanks to no-nonsense coaching and a mighty team spirit; one of the few things Osotspa can afford to invest in.
Manchester City meet... SCG Muang Thong United: All the money and power. Can write their own rules.
When Manchester City managed to circumvent the Financial Fair Play rules by essentially sponsoring themselves to a hugely inflated figure, their massive wealth insulated them from the consequences. The £400 million deal with Abu Dhabi-based Etihad Airways drives a horse and cart through the spirit of the FFP, rather like SCG Muang Thong United owners Siam Sports' control of the Thai FA, the body charged with overseeing Football Fair Play. Both sides enjoy massive success and can cherry pick the best talent from whoever catches their eye, pile them up and bench them to stop other teams getting their hands on talent that might threaten their dominance. At least Manchester City fans from before Thai fugitive Thaksin "Sinatra" know what it's like to stand on the Kippax in the pouring rain to watch a turgid procession of defeats. Muang Thong fans have been feasting on success from the beginning. One of the few pleasant things to come out of Liam Gallagher's mouth resonates with all fans of "sleeping giants,":
"We'll never get used to this and we'll never get blasé about it."
Take note, Muang Thong.
Newcastle United meet...Bangkok United: Lots of money around but, until recently, wasted on underachieving players. Finally learning from their mistakes with better signings and some measure of stability.
Whilst Newcastle United have stuck with Alan "Scottish Handshake" Pardew, they didn't have much choice after offering him a mind bending eight year contract. For Bangkok United, they are now on the par score in Thailand of three coaches after twenty three games this season, but they have finally found one to change things around. Former Suphanburi man Mano Polking started with five straight wins and, whilst he and his assistant X are as emotional as Pardew, he doesn't offer opposition players a faceful of dandruff. Bangkok United are one of the TPL's worst supported teams (coming in sixteenth in the attendance table) and, whilst they would love to be followed by the fanatical Geordie faithful, The Magpies would love to be able to access the huge sums that The Bangkok Angels can spend without going cap in hand to Mike "Sports Direct" Ashley, whose two attempts to sell the club have been as well received as free flights on Malaysian Air.
Everton meet...Chonburi: Play high intensity and technically impressive football, but don't quite have the resources to get to the very top table.
The Toffee Men and The Sharks share the most tangible Tinglish connection through their mutual sponsor, Chang. For the past five years highly respected academy coach (that it not a paradox, FAT) Ray Hall has been lending his expertise to the scheme, which is a requirement of the two clubs' agreement. The energy and dynamism of Everton CEO Robert Elstone avoids the Police United stunt of sending their laziest trainer Pokklao Anan to Reading only because they have just bought the club. He will be mocked and returned demoralised, but Chonburi and Everton take part in a connection based on common sense and mutual respect.
Chonburi have been consistently there and there abouts in the TPL. In the last six seasons since their title win in 2007, they haven't finished lower than third, but have been frustrated runners-up four times. Like Everton, they can punch above their weight thanks to their reasonable financial muscle, but don't have the Roubles or Dinars to bring marquee signings that would break them through their glass ceiling. Everton have enjoyed a similarly consistent recent history. They may have had to occupy a lower bracket than the Sharks thanks to the dominance of the Big Four, but to finish seventh, sixth and fifth in the past three seasons is, like Chonburi's, an impressive achievement for a club without an Oligarch.
Stoke City meet... Singhtarua: The people's club you don't want to play away at. Not as glossy as some, but founded on sacrifice and hard work.
Stoke confounded the critics of their howitzer throw-ins last season to finish ninth, whilst Singhtarua won promotion from Division 1. They have one of the most intense home crowds in the EPL creating a highly intimidating atmosphere, which makes it surprising that they were only the eleventh best performing home team in the league last year. For Singhtarua, the opposition not only get an intimidating noise, but the occasional Kloeng Toey Army hand on a throw in taker's shoulder. Losing only twice at the PAT last season to fellow promoted PTT Rayong and, surprisingly, BBCU saw The Port Lions out Stoke The Potters.
Both sets of fans live in tough, no nonsense areas and their support is offered not to inhabit glossy media or to further their modelling careers, but because the club are for, and of, the area. Anyone who has been for a night out in Hanley will feel a lot safer in Klong Toey at closing time.
Sunderland meet...Sisaket: When the rules don't work for you, just ignore them...
Sisaket bailed on the league last year after only three games and were left in suspended animation, rather than being relegated. For Sunderland, they ignored the rules by fielding an ineligible player when they seemed to be doomed to relegation so nobody seemed to care. Unfortunately for those people in Norwich, Cardiff and Fulham, a remarkable late season surge saved The Black Cats. To make matters worse, Dortmund-bound Ji Dong Won played illegally in four Premier League appearances, resulting in the wrist slap of a fine rather than the docking of points that came as standard for smaller clubs like Wimbledon and Altringham. The Sunderland argument of only getting one point while he played was as fatuous as deciding to rerun the World Cup because Brazil are rubbish.
Swansea meet...Ratchaburi: Seen as outside football hotbeds, but capable of blacking the eye of any of the Big Teams.
Swansea had a tough season of it last year finishing twelfth, three places higher than Ratchaburi. For The Swans this came as a real disappointment after their previous season's ninth place and Europa League qualification, but for Ratchaburi it was their first season back in the top flight: it was all about survival. This season, Ratchaburi have beaten Suphanburi home and away, drawn at Buriram's I- Mobile stadium (and thrillingly 3:3 away at Chonburi) whilst Swansea held Liverpool to a 2:2 draw at Anfield, hammered bitter rivals Cardiff City 3:0 and finished the season with a 3:1 away win at a Sunderland team coming off away wins against Chelsea and Manchester United.
West Bromwich Albion meet... Army United: Could ride high or flop: no one knows
The Baggies only survived relegation by one place and three points last season, whilst Army United finished in sixth place. But the previous season was West Brom's strong season and this season is Army's weak one. Two seasons ago West Brom finished a highly impressive eighth, but this season Army United are currently ninth, way below expectations and having just "reassigned" former Leicester City stalwart Matt Elliot back to the East Midlands. Considering the Army now run Thailand, their nosedive in form since the latest in a long line of military-led coups suggests the military top brass needs a return to curfews, targeting opposing teams.
West Ham meet... Songkhla: You want to like them, but when you watch them play...
Misty eyed recollections of England's World Cup winning team driven by a purring Hammers' engine room don't last long when you sit in the Allardyce Humvee. They may have won the battle with Tottenham to occupy the Olympic Stadium but their style of play wins very few admirers, and the bubbles will have plenty of space to be blown when a club that averaged thirty four thousand moves to a stadium with over twice that capacity. Songkhla can attract twelve thousand fans one week and one thousand two weeks later, and their average has almost halved this year. They won only seven games last season (three less than relegated Pattaya) and this season they are one point away from safety in the relegation zone with only rock bottom Samut Songkhram having a worse goal difference. The Hammers scored the same number of goals as relegated Fulham and finished the season with five defeats in their last six games, so both have failed to flatter or deceive.
Burnley meet...Air Force: Close to big clubs, but just not close enough to get fans.
Air Force United came up this season as champions, but their success was built on a long sequence of one goal victories, scoring ten fewer times than runners up Singhtarua and seven less than seventh placed Trat. For Burnley, their much-admired coach Sean Dyche has fashioned a team that came nineteenth in the league attendance table (with an average crowd of thirteen thousand) to reach the EPL. Air Force don't fare much better, coming fourteenth in the crowd pulling rank, suffering from being near Bangkok Glass and SCG Muang Thong United, but without either club's glamour or quality of stadium.
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Southampton meet...Chiang Rai Utd: They can't afford the really big names so have to put a hard working team together.
Whilst Chiang Rai (located eight hundred kilometres North of Bangkok) struggle to attract the big names at the height of their powers, Southampton nurture and develop their players and coaches only to see them picked off by the Big Boys. Coach Mauricio Pochettino was hoovered up by Tottenham followed by the highly- prized trio of Shaw, Lallana and Lambert leaving a club which now resembles a party five minutes after being gate-crashed by Vladimir Putin. Whilst Southampton seem to have abandoned their philosophy of nurturing young talent now that new coach Ronald Koeman seems intent on bring half of the Eredivisie to the South Coast, Chiang Rai have gone for a young manager and a narrower range of foreign players. The thirty six year old Teerasak Po- On coaches Brazilian and Japanese foreign players and retains some of the Brazilian back room staff left from Teco Cugurra's time. For the development of Thai football, it's pleasing to see The Beetles riding high in fifth place and for half of the top ten to be made up of provincial clubs, but their fans would love to welcome an adventurous marquee player at the top of his powers to push them to the next level.
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