by Matt Riley
Dad's Army is a Thai sitcom about a group of people protecting the country from invading hordes of professional and knowledgeable men and women of integrity. The Home Town Rules Guard comprises a ragtag collection of charlatans ineligible for genuine football service either due to ineptitude or being in professions exempt from common sense. Thai football deals almost exclusively with over age, Brylcremed men with a tendency to wear sunglasses indoors who move by entourage.
In 2016, after its AFC Champions League teams leaked twenty four goals without reply, Thai Football was voted the world's strongest league by its own committee comprised of local police officers.
Although it greatly distorted the true nature of football, Dad's Army has gained very high profile on Thai TV screens. Set in the fictional world of Worldcupqualification-On-Sea, The Home Town Rules Guard were the first line of defence in the event of an attack of realism or transparency. The first season, aired in 1996, had a loose narrative thread with Captain Worawi Mainwaring's Buffoon Platoon being formed and equipped- initially with no firepower or uniforms but later on with full police dress.
The first episode, "The Man and the Hour" begins with a scene set in the "present Thai football day" of 1929 where Captain Worawi addresses his committee as part of his Thailand World Cup Finals Uraguay 1930 campaign. As the comedy in many ways relies on the country's lack of World Cup participation, opposition to their activities has to come from another quarter, and this is generally provided by Warden Football Fan. The group does have some encounters with success such as Buriram United's AFC Champions League quarter final appearance in 2013, but as this was under the influence of Englishman Scott Cooper, it was deleted from the records.
The gallows humour ranges from the subtle (controlling something with a group of people without the faintest idea of what they are in charge of) to the slapstick antics of the Fixture Secretary. The elderly members have several catchphrases when reality threatens to break through, including "Don't panic!", and "They don't like it up 'em", "Permission to reschedule, sir". Mainwaring says "You stupid boy" to the mirror in many episodes.
The later series occasionally includes darker humour reflecting that, especially early in the season, the FAT was woefully under-equipped but still prepared to have a crack at the World Cup. For instance, in the episode "The Battle of Siam Sport Ridge", the PLT believes BEC Tero and Pattaya United have been invaded and annexed by SCG Muang Thong United, but are unable to gather any of the mountains of proof under their noses. So, they decide to hunker down in Siam Sport's bunker as a way of delaying a decision about one club owning three teams in the same league.
Characters
Captain Worawi Mainwaring
The pompous, if essentially brave and unerringly patriotic local carpetbagger, Mainwaring appointed himself leader of his committee of Local Football Defence Volunteers. He had been a FIFA Executive since 1997 but is embarrassed that he wasn't arrested with his cronies at the Baur Au Lac Hotel and gained only a short mention in Sky Sports corruption allegations, whilst friends like Jack Warner were being door stepped by journalist Andrew Jennings.
Sergeant Zico Wilson
A diffident, upper-class coach who would quietly question Mainwaring's judgement ("Do you think that's wise, Sir?"). Wilson actually had served as a national player and seen service both at home and abroad but he tries not admit it in front of his superiors.
Private Newin Frazer
A dour undertaker and a former Chief Petty Officer on HMS Shinawatra. He served at the Battle of Bhunjathai as a ship's cooking the books and also has a medal for active service with his wife Karuna.
Private Somyot Walker
A black market spiv, Walker was the only fit, able-bodied man of military age in Worldcupqualification -on-Sea's Home Guard. He was discharged from the regular police forces because of an allergy to transparency in 2014 after a lifetime of poorly-paid public service saw his bank balance sport a measly $11 million.
Private Madame Pike
The youngest of the platoon, a cosseted mother's girl, constantly wearing a rictus grin, and often the target of Mainwaring's derision ("You stupid girl!"). She works for her own publicity machine.
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