New Year's Gifts: 2013

If money was no object, these are the New Year gifts I would buy for the eighteen clubs who competed in the 2012 TPL.

Muang Thong Utd
Robbie Fowler. Admittedly, this is more of a gift for the rest of the league - because they were pretty hopeless when he was in charge - but at least it would even things up a bit and give us all a good laugh in the process.

CHONBURI
A time machine. This way we could travel back to an era when we were allowed the simple pleasures of being able to eat and drink inside the ground and actually looked forward to going to home games. The puffed up security staff wouldn’t exist either and we could have FUN again.

BEC Tero
An ABBA box set, a fleet of Volvos, a year’s supply of Alpen and B5,000 worth of IKEA vouchers. Then maybe they’d be able to persuade Sven to stay. (I’m sure there’s something I’ve missed off that list).

Buriram Utd
Umbrella racks for the stadium and motorcycle helmets for the chairman and his wife. As we’re not allowed to take umbrellas onto an open terrace, they need somewhere to keep them all, while the fans either get sunstroke or soaked through. As for the helmets, I was quite surprised to see photos in the matchday magazine of Mr and Mrs Chidchob riding motorbikes with bare heads. Therefore, these would be my gifts to them. I’d hate to see the pair getting pulled over and fined by the police or having an accident.

Osotspa
A roof for that tiny middle section of the stand where their noisiest fans congregate. It seems a real shame that those supporters who are trying to create an atmosphere should be exposed to the elements, while the rest of the crowd are under cover.

Esan Utd
A one way ticket back to Sisaket. Nuff said.

Samut Songkhram
A water pump, some pitchforks and a fleet of lifeboats. The first two items should ensure that the match goes ahead on a playable surface – providing they can find someone to operate them. The lifeboats will come in useful if there’s no-one willing to utilise the pump and the forks.

Bangkok Glass
A fourth stand. In spite of the fact I’m totally opposed to the way they got into the TPL, I do relish to my trips to the Leo. I think a fourth stand would add to the atmosphere and overall enjoyment of matches at the stadium.

Chiang Rai Utd
A comfy chair in the dugout. Then maybe their coach would sit down during a game, instead of leaping around the Technical Area like a scalded cat with piles.

Army Utd
Eleven Action Men, all with "Eagle Eyes" and "Gripping Hands" - oo er! That way they’d at least look like a team representing a nation’s armed forces. Some of the current squad are rather wimpy and do go down rather easily, slightly worrying if we were ever invaded.

Police Utd
Unfortunately, I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying a gift for the Police. It may be construed as a bribe.

ToT
A roof for the away end. We got soaked on the open terrace early in the 2012 season. I’d happily buy them a cover so I’d be spared another week in bed with the mother of all colds, like I had after my last visit.

Wuachon Utd
Some players of their own. It’s hard enough trying to start a brand new club and relocating hundreds of miles away from its original home but their task was made even more difficult by the fact the virtually all of last year’s first XI were contracted to other clubs and had to sit out for certain fixtures.

Chainat
A set of plain white shirts, white shorts and white socks. Because, quite frankly, their pink and black kit was the most offensive thing I saw last season. Yuk!

Pattaya Utd
A state of the art 25,000 seater stadium in the middle of the city. They have the potential to be a MASSIVE club and really deserve the best facilities that money can buy. Just watch the crowds flock to home games then. After all, that’s why they moved from Bang Phra. Isn't it?

Thai Port
Some floodlights. The early kick offs, due to the lack of lights at the PAT Stadium, obviously contributed to the team’s relegation. It’s far too hot to be playing at 4:00pm in the centre of Bangkok. Oh…and their management didn’t help either. So, maybe I’d throw in a board of directors and owner who knows what they are doing.

Chula Utd
50,000 fans. Then they would feel more at home, and have more justification for playing in that cavernous stadium.

TTM
A map of Thailand and a pin so they can pick where they’ll go next.