CHONBURI 1-1 BBCU: MATCH REPORT
20th October, 2016
by Peter Reeves
CHONBURI 1-1 BBU UTD
Match report by Peter Reeves
Chonburi and BBCU in the light of the season ending early, decided to play their match anyway. Surprises were in store!
The Sharks management fed up with constant criticisms on the club website and Twitter pages of the club took the line "if you think you can do better, here's the team for this game you have a go". Head coaches responsibilities went to the webmaster. He immediately swung into marketing action to get some support from disaffected fans. BBCU in the light of their relegation were also considering a new coach and when the web masters wife rang them and said "I know exactly how to wind her husband up and get a result" she was handed the reigns. Fans and players shocked at first, thought well, she couldn't do any worse.
She also kicked into action and appointed a club ethics and 'business' committee of Harry Redknapp. Neil Warnock and Sam Allardyce and their first success came with getting Roy Race in from Melchester Rovers on loan for the match. When asked how they'd managed that they just answered "we own him he"ll do what he's bloody told- oh, no, err sorry, we have contacts... You're not filming this are you?".
Intelligent club marketing worked as a crowd of 42,000 packed the stadium and the screens erected in car parks and green spaces. Fans, allowed beer and som tum in the stadium, saluted the new head coach. When asked to ratify the attendance for the FA the adjudicator just said "I don't care how many you say there were as long as bloody Swatcat lose their alleged record".
Formal respects observed pre-kick off, Mrs Webmaster, or Madam W as fans were now calling her, suggested to her husband that as they were going to have huddles for 20 minutes him and the team might as well go off for a beer which they duly did. In their absence BBCU kicked off and Race found the net from 50 yards. The cheering 4000 travelling fans brought the Sharks out of the bar to find themselves a goal down after less than a minute. Sharks fans thought this was very entertaining and raised their cans of Chang to their team as they re-appeared whilst asking why they were using such small balls( no jokes please).
As an analysis of previous PL matches had shown there is only 10 minutes of worthwhile football played in each half in most PL matches they both settled for a 10 minute each way match. The rest of the 'half' saw Chonburi chasing Race around the pitch as he refused to let them have the ball. Half time. 0-1.
The webmaster was happy with his innovative 0-0-10 formation and noticed there had been more movement off the ball than usual. ( not that they had the ball which Race had refused to give to the referee when he blew the whistle).
Madam W was very pleased with her team and ordered some photos of her with the players for placing on large hoardings all over Thailand and suggested to the 'old man' during the break that the Sharks might go back to the bar pre-2nd half. He wasn't falling for that one again. Off we went again.
Race hadn't come out for the second half as allegedly he "refused to drop Warnock a few quid for getting a game" and was sent home.
Now Chonburi could attack. Or at least they could have done if it hadn't been for 'injured' BBCU players littering the pitch. Half way through the half the police marched on to pitch to arrest Rodrigo for assault on a policeman as one of his shots on goal had cleared the stadium and knocked said officer off his bike spilling his beer A few more beers resolved the issue. The pressure finally told and in the last minute Chonburi were awarded a penalty when the last BBCU defender still standing and not injured questioned the referee's parentage.
Up stepped Rodrigo and put it over the bar. Take it again the ref says. Madam W was furious on the touch line. Rodrigo places it again but falls over on his run up and heads it goalwards. "No" says the ref, "again" An incensed Madam W ran on the pitch and clobbered him with her Louis Vitton straight in the chops. The crowd roared in approval. "Right... off" he screams at her as she was sent to the stands, her retort was a stunning right footer to his rear end with her Jimmy Choo's as he bent over and placed the ball on the spot.
Cue more cheers followed by a 'Benny Hill' chase around the ground until she finally disappeared down the tunnel. She never did get the shoe back which seemed to have got lodged somewhere.
Rodrigo not fancying a 3rd go changed shirts with the ref and the new 'number 23', shoe and all, duly buried it and ran to the fans to take their cheers and laughter by now, near hysterical . So 1-1. The BBCU players did a lap of honour and were ecstatic not because of the result but because Harry, Neil and Sam had 'arranged' a pre-match bet on 1-1 at 10/1 and all the team had given it a go and went home quids in.
The ref was signed up for next season for the Sharks and with a bumper crowd, and a drink in the stadium, Chonburi's coffers got a welcome boost and fans happy. It had been Non-stop entertainment, and all agreed the FA and PLT should stay out of it next season and let the club's do it themselves. Madam W is lined up for the vacant England job, subject to their being enough places to go shopping at lunch time, and the webmaster picked up the pitch, goals, scoreboard and players and threw them in the garden. The Chonburi fans were seen leaving the ground carrying their new head coach on their shoulders as he led them in singing "I'd rather be a b*****d than a Yorkshireman" and all went home happy.
nb Any character resemblance to any living person is purely coincidental. Allegedly.
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